Renn Garb for up to a 5X !!

Okay, I know that most folks probably realize by now that I’m a huge Renn-Faire geek.  Love to go and dress up and prance around.  However, usually I end up making my own outfits unless I’m REALLY lucky and find a vendor willing to offer a size above “S-M-L-XL” (and only XL if you’re already lucky). Once found, though, such larger sizes usually cost a bundle. So, either you suffer in hand-made (well, suffer if you aren’t really into being careful about sewing and make many mistakes as I do) garb; or you HOPE for overpriced stuff that MIGHT fit… if you let out non-existent seams or squeeze the right bits enough.  Well,

Thanks to a friend on Facebook though I’ve stumbled into a site that I just MUST spread around and share for any other like-minded folks:  HolyClothing.  Just in browsing through the dresses I’ve already found things that I’m longing to buy and wear.  The selection ranges from size S – 7X.  However, I did notice that the selection really only stays great (at least for dresses) up through 5X.  There is only one item for 6X on the site and nothing listed (yet?) for 7x (though the category for that does exist so perhaps that is coming in the future?). Still I was excited to see a place willing to serve all size groups through a larger than usual range.  There seems to be a slight increase in price when you hop from L to 4X ($5 where I could note the change).

One other fun thing?  There are sun dresses listed as well.  Bit “medieval” in theme but rather nice, flowy, some arm-baring, and all right up my alley.  Might be some summer dresses in my future!

Here are some pieces really striking my personal fancy:

Riona Bustier Corset Empire Peasant Boho Sun Dress ($50)

Kayla Renaissance Princess Bohemian Sun Dress ($45)

Arwen Square Neck Renaissance Medieval Princess Gown Dress  ($65)

I’m not having luck snagging pics to show off here and link back there but take a peek; it’s worth the look!

Happy Snowy Saturday (for those of us getting or digging out of snow)

Fattie Book Review: The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson

Book: The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carsons

Rating: ♦♦♦◊◊

Synopsis Snippet: Elisa is the Chosen One.  She bears the Godstone.  She prepares on her 16th birthday to marry for the sake of her country.  Who knows what mission God has lain before her as she travels to the King’s palace and into a war on the brink of spilling around her.

The Cast: It was a fun pleasure to read a Fantasy novel where characters with PALE skin are pointed out or emphasized for their differences.  The fact that I noticed it so distinctly is really telling on how infrequently that happens.  I loved it.  So, finally some reversal on racial diversity norms.  Also, some characters have DEFINITE tendencies towards FA or at least Body Acceptance which were refreshing.

Romance Aspects: This was a bit strange.  Elisa definitely gets a bit of Stockholm syndrome at one point but the plot weaves in such a way that, as a reader, you find yourself falling for the character as well.  All the romance here, by the way, was nothing outside the generic cis-hetero stuff.

Language: The writing was easy and usually plot-forwarding.  Moments of rather great writing were scattered throughout and there were not many moments that dragged.

Fat treatment: (This section will be long, hold on) Firstly: YAY!  A FAT, female, non-white protagonist!  In FANTASY!  Whoo!  Secondly: Ooof.  There are also undeniable downsides.  Princess Elisa starts as a food-gobbling, insecure, worthless and ugly feeling fatty. She, through plot points, finds herself on basically a starvation-march through the desert for a month.  That’s where she (of course) loses weight (you know, as she gains self-respect in her abilities and such it just HAS to follow that she gets slimmer, right?) The few references made to actual sizes of the girl’s body indicate the author has no idea how much weight is capable of being lost, even at such extreme conditions, in a month.  Hint: it isn’t THAT much:

“Shaking, I pull the soaking garment against my torso, hold it at shoulder level, let the hem swim in the water. It’s more than huge. it’s a tent of a gown, with armholes that scoop halfway down my rib cage, with extra gathers to allow a bust of mountainous proportion….. I am not even close to thin. Certainly not beautiful like Alodia or Cosme. But I don’t have to part my breast or press into my stomach to see my Godstone.”

Blarg, right?  I mean, I love that she floats in the tub after this overly long because she’s “not done being naked” but HATE that it has to ONLY happen when she’s discovered she has a smaller body.  Be proud you walked so far in such harsh conditions when you’ve led an otherwise protected palace life, that’s awesome.  But enough already with the lost-weight as personal growth already authors!!  BUT there are some tenderly sweet moments with some nearly FA proponent characters I loved:

“Don’t worry, Princess.” He nods solemnly toward the gown. “A few weeks of regular food and water will set you right.”

That’s the whole comment.  Just the character remarking matter-of-factly that such a rough voyage across the desert was no fun game and their bodies would return to normal (even if normal is FAT) with non-starvation and forced-marching.  There are other such moments with this same character that I loved as well.

So, while there are great points: a few characters who are amazingly awesome in how they love Elisa for who she is NO MATTER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, and a moment when Elisa laughs at the young Prince’s innocent and loud declaration “You’re Fat” is powerful, it still has strong hints of the overly-familiar “lose weight as you discover the real you and go from an Emotional Eater to one who eschews food in lieu of seeking ways to help others”.  The character supposedly still ends “not-thin” but at one point there is reference to her “taut stomach” so I don’t think the author and I agree much on what “not-thin” might mean.  So, I’d caution against reading this hoping it was all love and bunnies and FA.

Review: I liked it.  It wasn’t the best story. It was far from the worst story.  There are intriguing elements included that I really enjoyed:

• a non-white fat female protagonist who grows into a strong and powerful girl
• a few really wonderful side-characters who love Elisa AS SHE IS throughout the book
• a novel look at meshing religion and magics
• the overall plot-arc of Elisa’s emotional growth

There are elements I didn’t enjoy:

• how the author insists on using weight-loss induced by a month of starvation-travel as another “indicator” of Elisa’s personal journey of growth
• the rather insistent prayer and religious references become a bit much for me
• the politics and intrigue are obviously of such an intricate nature that much more stands to be revealed in future books so you’re left hanging
• the ending wraps up a bit too quickly despite leaving quite a few loose threads to pick up in the next installment

Still, it read fairly quickly for being such a large book and the main arc about Elisa’s coming-of-age was (mostly) worth reading.

Great Quotes: Some awesome tidbits that might get your curiosity going.

““Honor from death,” I snap, “is a myth. Invented by the war torn to make sense of the horrific. If we die, it will be so that others may live. Truly honorable death, the only honorable death, is one that enables life.”

“But with Alejandro, I always dissolve into a pool of weak helplessness. He is a good man, I’m sure of it. And so beautiful as to be dazz-ling. But I don’t like the person I am when I’m around him.”

“God’s will. How many times have I heard someone declare their understanding of this thing I find so indefinable?”

“She looks like a doll, her eyes glassy within a sculpture of frozen contentment, lips slightly parted. Gently, I reach forward and close her eyes with my fingertips, hoping it will make her seem merely asleep. But the stillness of sleep is nothing at all like the stillness of death.”

Final Verdict: I really enjoyed most of the plot arc regarding Elisa’s personal growth.  I REALLY wish the author didn’t feel that it HAD to include weight-loss and food-obsession side-plots to complete said journey. It was a mix of interesting and a bit predictable in some spots but was fairly quick to read despite the size due to the plot-moving pace of the language.

So, have you read this yet?  Would you now want to? Would you suggest it to someone else?

Things to get excited about

I’m not talking arousal here, though who knows this might tickle that fancy for some.  I’m talking about some really good and promising news on the FA front as well as some great rebuttals going around that bash some Fat Tropes with an Awesome-sized Science & Common-Sense Hammer.  Let’s see what’s in our bag of goodies, shall we?

First:

Obesity Timebomb notes that a new journal (Fat Studies: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Body Weight and Society ) has been published! While not the first journal to approach these issues from the more radical side of current thoughts on fatness, it is a solid peer-reviewed academic journal its potential is seen in its ability to, as Charlotte so aptly puts it:

“shift critical and scholarly discussions of fatness out of health or ‘Obesity Epidemic’ and into a much broader arena where things like culture, community, rights, embodiment can be addressed. “

Kudos to the editor (Esther Rothblum) and also to Charlotte (whose article “A queer and transfat activist timeline” appears in the first issue!

Second:

Ragen over at Dances with Fat does a fabulous take-down of the recent furor over Paula Deen’s announcement that she has Type 2 Diabetes. Not surprising to me is the finding that people love to get themselves whipped into a good self-righteous rant over how obvious it is that a fatty would catch the fatness disease. However, Ragen touches nicely on the myth of diabetes (particularly Type 2); the rampant erroneous assumption that weight loss, should it even be achievable long-term, is desirable; the body as public property; and the meme of Public Health as Public Thinness. One of my favorite (of many) great quotes:

“Being for public health means that you are for people having access to the foods that they choose to eat, safe movement options that they enjoy,  and affordable evidence-based medical care. If public health is important to you then you fight like hell for people to have access of these things, then you butt out and let people make their own choices.”

Really well done and worth reading in its entirety.

Third:

Big Fat Blog clued me into NPR’s recent acceptance of something we’ve known since at least 2003: Obesity rates have already “peaked”.  Otherwise known as “all you proponents of fat-shaming who keep asserting that Obesity Rates Are Rising are not only wrong but HAVE BEEN WRONG for many years now”.   Still, NPR’s admission is more cued as a “hmm, rates MAY have peaked! And it must be linked to all these awful behavior strategies in schools and such that studies have yet to show do anything other than increase the likelihood of persons feeling smug for hating on fatties”; especially given the lovely headless fatties gracing the article with a caption filled with scare figures of the “jump” in fatness since 1995.  (You know, before they changed the BMI limits on what is considered “fat”?).  A really interesting quote from the article:

“”Obesity prevalence can’t keep going up year after year indefinitely. Ultimately we’ll reach a state where those individuals who are susceptible to becoming obese for genetic reasons have already developed obesity,” Ludwig says.”

I love looking at quotes like the one above and replacing the word “Obesity” with “Fatness”.  Just try it.  Doesn’t it sound as ridiculous? However, while there is the usual fat-hand-wringing in the middle, the article ends with this rather awesome nod to body and size and perhaps even FAT acceptance:

“Others say the whole idea of an “obesity epidemic” has been overblown and that more emphasis should be put on getting more Americans to become fit rather than fixate on losing weight.

“Most people who lose weight will ultimately regain it. If you do this do over and over and over again you develop a nation of weight-cyclers, a yo-yo-dieting society and there are risks associated with yo-yo dieting that are every bit as hazardous as the risks associated with just being fat,” Glenn Gaesser of Arizona State University.

Fourth:

This is my favorite bit of activism in a while.  Ragen over at Dances with Fat (thanks to Unapologetically Fat for redirecting me to this post I missed!) has initiated something called “Rolls, not Trolls” a self-proclaimed Ninja Commenting venture designed to spread a bit of FA love into comment threads usually filled with hatred and shaming.  I love this not only because it has a Facebook group (which it now does) where folks can share ideas of things to post, not only because Ragen so nicely asserts that this is something to be used NOT for diet-centric spaces (because I wouldn’t want to see such messages in my Diet-Zone anymore than I want to hear their diet tips in my Diet-FREE-Zone), but because the passing of POSITIVE voices into what are usually negative threads online fills me with a fat, fluttery, hopeful feeling of warmth. THIS is one of the small moments of activism which will begin to creep in to tear down the walls of shaming and hatred. I love it!

As the Queen in Alice in Wonderland is known for saying, “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”  I’ve got 4 here already; what else have you heard this week?

*ETA: This is, apparently, my 400th post!  So; maybe that’s a 5th great thing!

Fattie Book Review: Sparks

Book: Sparks by S.J. Adams

Rating: ♦♦♦◊◊

Synopsis Snippet: Since sixth grade, Debbie Woodlawn has nursed a secret, heart-searing crush for her best friend, Lisa. Side by side, they watched countless 80s sit-coms and took vows of premarital chastity. But Debbie’s never really been a fan of Full House or abstinence rallies, and all those years of pretending go down the drain when Lisa hooks up with the most boring guy at school. This earth-shattering event provokes Debbie to do the unthinkable: confess her love to Lisa.

The Cast: This is about a girl’s loving all-consuming crush on her female best friend.  So there is a good run of sexual diversity in having a rather interesting gay female protagonist.  Emma is also a recovering Eating Disordered girl so there is some (mostly hopeful and positive) Fatty representation as well.

Romance Aspects: This is about love, crushes, faith and romance.  There isn’t much sexual going on but lots of first kisses and casual mention of simple sexual concepts.

Language: The writing was a simple and a bit juvenile in places; certainly when it was bringing up episodes of Full House and other 80′s retro imagery.

Fat treatment: A rather nice side-plot features the love “triangle” with one corner held up by the rather charming and usually independently confident Emma.  I don’t want to spoil the plot “twists” but will say that I was happily surprised by how the plot-lette went.

Review: This was cute. Debbie has a serious crush on her best friend Lisa. After 5 years of crushing and watching Full House episodes and attending Christian meetings with Lisa in the hopes that something would develop; Debbie decides to become “reborn” into the pretend religion of “Blueism” offered up by classmates Emma and Tim.  She plans to declare herself and her intentions, but is running out of time because Lisa has a date with Nathan tonight and has declared that she thinks he is “the one”.

Rather like a mini road-trip book which takes place in the span of one wild evening ride around Des Moines, Iowa. Debbie takes on the Holy Quest to declare her love and in the process finds out a bit about herself, faith and love.

There are lots of references to the old show Full House in there and older bands which really ring familiar to me reading it in my 30′s so I’m not sure how relevant it would be to a younger crowd (to whom the writing feels aimed) but it was still a cute and fun read..

Great Quotes: Some awesome tidbits that might get your curiosity going.

“I really hate it when people make fun of you for stupid questions, but don’t answer them. Like, when I was eight or nine I asked my dad if there were tarantulas in Iowa. he snickered and said, “Oh, yeah, they’re the size of lawn mowers. We get them all the time. Your cousin Tyler was eaten by one.” He made me feel stupid for asking, and I still didn’t know if I should be on the lookout for tarantulas.”

“I’m just glad she made up a religion like Bluedaism,” he went on. “Not one of those ones where you pray to the Goddess of Bulimia to keep you from eating.” “People do that?” He inhaled and nodded. “It’s fucking scary. She was never half as bad as some of those girls, really, but she could have easily gotten sucked into that crap.” “But instead you guys made up a religion that keeps her healthy and productive and awesome.” He smiled. “There’s no one else like her.”

“Eat!” Tim said to her. “Bluddha commands you to eat a cheeseburger.”

“She just verbally fucked the entire metro area,” said Emma. “It was pretty awesome.”

“The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like everyone in the world was a total weirdo. No one was normal, really. Maybe not even my dad.”

Final Verdict: It all happens in the span of one night and wraps up pretty much like the old sitcoms Debbie grew up on.  But it was a simple and fast read with a rather positive Fatty side-plot that I was really overjoyed to see after so many YA books which focus on Self-Improvement (aka Weight Loss) Leads to All Good Things. This won’t be something I’ll be discussing as a life-changing book but I loved its overall positivity, bit of diversity and ideas on exploring faith.

So, have you read this yet?  Would you now want to? Would you suggest it to someone else?

Mid-Week Music to Lift my Spirit

I spent today “enjoying” time at home while my digestion waged war with my menstrual cycle over who would reign supreme over my lower body.  I’m still not sure what’s “winning”…

With THAT lovely image in mind, I did find some comfort today as I was browsing the Internet between costume designing, laundry washing and watching some channel’s marathon of self-purported “Movies That Don’t Suck”.

One bit of fun was this little stop-motion animation of books doing the jig to a song that I’ve recently danced in a huge skirt:

The same folks also did a bit longer and more elaborate animation that was cute as well. Then, I found myself falling into… not so much a “melancholy” so much as a mood wherein I really appreciate a good somber bit of video set to a good swelling of emotional music.  It led me to this fantastic piece with a Cello, a Piano, and a Drum that really makes me want to be the sort who creates emotional videos with scenes from a show because I think it would PERFECTLY work with a series of scenes taken from the Dr. Who universe:

I liked it so much I found the song on Amazon so I could purchase the mp3!  Not only is that music beautiful to me, it is a very creative embellishment on classical works; a taking of something “original” and “classic” to make it one’s own; to give it a new and broader life. The height of creativity to my thoughts today.

In a more FA-related finding I came across this fake advertisement for a new beauty product called “Fotoshop by Adobé”:

It is, for the most part, a rather clever put-together of many of the ideas that many have already discovered about today’s media images: that they are all creations manipulated from reality in such a way that no one can actually approach the goals of “beauty” they uphold.  My slight “beef” with it is a line about “why eat right or exercise when you can just LOOK like you do” for the, hopefully obvious reason (among others) that it fully endorses the conflation of visual appearance with internal health. Otherwise it is at least a bit encouraging to me to see something of this nature making the usual Facebook rounds.  There is room for improvement but I still hold out hope!

Thought that in 2012 I might give readers a taste of some small measure of what else makes April D “tick”.  This is today’s “entry”.  What’s making YOU tick on this early January day?

Fattie Book Review: Wintergirls

Book: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

Rating: ♦♦♦♦♦

Synopsis Snippet: Lia and Cassie are best friends, wintergirls frozen in matchstick bodies, competitors in a deadly contest to see who can be the skinniest. But what comes after size zero and size double-zero? When Cassie succumbs to the demons within, Lia feels she is being haunted by her friend’s restless spirit.

The Cast: Everyone is very pale, and starvingly striving for the thinnest they can be.  Not diverse, but intense.

Romance Aspects: This is more about the struggle to love oneself.  No romance to really speak of.

Language: The writing was harsh and beautiful.  We delve into Lia’s story from inside her own head and hear from there the things she can and cannot think/say/feel.

Fat treatment: This is about the crushing despair that can be eating disorders and self-harm.  It could be highly triggering or amazingly hopeful.

Review: This was rough. But, at the same time, one of the most touching and raw books I’ve read in a while.   It is one of the rare books that I had to read (while halfway into a less interesting book no less) all in one sitting. Fabulously written, griping characters and plot evolution, entirely enthralling. I loved reading every despairing moment as we follow Lia through her downward spiral to see if she’s able to become the “real Lia” before she joins her former best friend Cassie in real death.  Be warned, however, that it is a rather dark spiral.  While there are moments of humor scattered throughout, the passage of time brings the reader deeper and deeper into Lia’s pain and it is a rough, emotional, and despairingly brutal ride.

A brilliant look at the obsession with “Thin”, cutting, fears, personal ghosts and done in a way that wouldn’t let me stop reading until I reached the conclusion. Fabulous

Great Quotes: Some awesome tidbits that might get your curiosity going.

“There’s no point in asking why, even though everybody will. I know why. The harder question is ‘why not?’ I can’t believe she ran out of answers before I did.”

“You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl, Lia-Lia, caught in between the worlds. You’re a ghost with a beating heart.”

“Here stands a girl clutching a knife. There is grease on the stove, blood in the air, and angry words piled in the corners. We are trained not to see it, not to see any of it.”

“I knew what he wanted to hear. He couldn’t stand me being sick. Nobody can. They only want to hear that you’re healing, you’re in recovery, taking it one day at a time. I you’re locked into sick, you should stop wasting their time and just get dead.”

“Food is life. And that’s the problem. When you’re alive, people can hurt you. It’s easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It’s easier to lock everybody out. But it’s a lie.”

Final Verdict: This was harsh.  It was beautifully written, and so realistic I could almost taste Lia’s frustration at times.  I will add again that this might be triggering for some.  The story is written from Lia’s head so every mention of food is linked (in parentheses) to its calories.  Every moment the reader is being pulled deeper into the pit that Lia is being devoured by.  It was a really powerful story.  It will certainly not describe every eating disordered self-harming girl.  But it gives a glimpse into one potential “why” (or “why not?”) that could be out there and I think the characters and story really hit the mark.

So, have you read this yet?  Would you now want to? Would you suggest it to someone else?

I always wanted to be a (fat) ballerina

Growing up I always used to envy ballerinas and gymnasts.  I used to fantasize about taking classes with a room of girls all lined up at a bar in front of that row of mirrors; flexing my arms and legs. Or, I used to dream about tumbling across a mat in front of judges and fellow gymnasts who would be happy for me as I landed a great combination.  The screeching-record moment in all of those idle fantasies, however, was my supposedly over-fat body.

Give up? More like Give IN... to my lifelong desires! (Yes, yes I AM throwing an ax)

Now, I don’t recall any one particular moment, such as the one so heart-wrenchingly and beautifully described for StacyBias’ Fictional Monologue, (seriously, go read that and tell me that it doesn’t both break your heart and make it swell with fist-pumping hope!) but I knew, even at the young ages between 4 and 6, that I was looked upon as having a body unsuitable to the activities I dreamed of taking up and excelling in. Granted, I will allow that other large inhibitors were the high costs of such classes as well as the time involved, things that my single-mom was likely hard-pressed to even hope to meet even if I DID have the “right” sort of child-body.

It took me 20 years or so to finally set aside the mental barriers I had so dutifully formed which so instinctively told me that I was not the sort of person who could (be seen) dance(ing).  It may have taken some time but I can’t tell you how happy I have been to not only dance, but dance WELL and PROUDLY.  With a grin that oftentimes outshines that of dancers with bodies far more “Dancer Ideal”, I dance in beautiful costumes, at funky venues, with no shame.

That, to me, is something that Fat Acceptance has done for me.  It hasn’t made me “give up” on myself.  It has allowed me to “give up” on the feeling that I am never enough, that I can never deserve better, that I should never be seen doing something I love.  I may not be a ballerina or gymnast.  I’m certainly not the best belly dancer around.  But the joy I feel when I dance, when I dance KNOWING that I am seen and (even if not by all) appreciated, is so much better than the feelings of guilty shame I hid away behind for so long. I’ve learned to stop making qualifiers based upon assumptions that I “should not” (be visible, be happy, be me).

Something inspiring me right now as I get ready to settle into bed tonight (thanks to Old Time Fatties):

But, isn’t “Mental Health” also a vital, important part of “Health”?

As many, if not all, of us know: January (aka Dieting Frenzy Re-boot Month) is here. The holidays of last year have passed and commitments to a “New You” are promoted everywhere.  Largely this translates, often-times not even subtly, to “The THINNER You”.  There are many things to hate about this month of resurgent interest in Whipping Off the Pounds that the hopefully restful holidays may have Put Upon You.  One happening that ends up making my very sad and wistful however is hearing/seeing people say/post things which reference actions they are doing or foods they are eating that they don’t LIKE (or even actively HATE) but which they follow-up with “but I suppose it is good for me”.

That’s just so sad to me.  Not only does it immediately buy into this idea that obviously what is “Good” for you is either Not Easy or is going to be something you’ll HATE; it also sets people up for a cycle of failure. How can you possibly want to continue behaviors that you’ve decided are “The Good Ones” if you’re already firmly set against them: because what you’ve chosen as Good is so despicable to you?

I’m firmly against the idea that anything (and everything) Good for you is difficult and undesirable; and that anything Bad for you is easy and the path to true darkness.  This isn’t the Force folks.  Foods and activities aren’t a cut and dry metric by which your moral values could (or should) be measured.

I understand that, especially after a few weeks of a tacitly “allowed” festive mentality that there is this incredible pressure to feel guilt and “pay” for such sinfully decadent behavior.  I can understand how much easier it is to give in to the pressures and put your body and mind on a diet of what is perceived as Good as a sort of punishment for allowing yourself to feel good for any length of time.  I don’t support it; but I sure as heck understand it; having fallen prey to these exact ideas many times myself over the years.

However, if having one fat woman declare it gives you the peace of mind to even consider an alternative, think on this:  your Mental Health is just as important as your physical health.  Even if you refuse to believe me when I assert that physical health and fatness are not intrinsically linked in an inverse relationship; please allow that there is a direct correlation between your mental well-being and your overall wellness.  If you are already mentally trudging at the idea of the behaviors and foods you’ve put in front of yourself as the Grail to Thinness, then the increasingly bitter resentment you will feel towards these actions and nutrients will only serve to reinforce your hatred of them and make Being Good seem like an even more distant possibility that ever before.

Break free of the chains of This Is Good For Me Even If I Hate It.  If you MUST attempt a Change of Lifestyle; I’d personally suggest Health At Every Size: where internal hunger cues are rediscovered and our own bodies become the competent devices they were created to be from the start.  Where “Good” depends on what works for YOU; where mental health his JUST as vital as the perceived “good” value of what you next hope to eat.  Don’t do what you SUPPOSE is good for you (especially if it is distasteful or even hateful to you).  Do what feels right; what you learn means your body is happy.  Yes, it IS a scary proposition to trust your own body and learn to listen.  To me, though, it is a far better venture than to select purported Good Foods and Good Activities to punish yourself for daring to have enjoyed the recent holiday season.

Happy New Year and Happy Same Awesome You!!

PS: Those who read on the site may have noticed the updated look.  Just playing with themes and running with a pink theme that tickled my fancy.

Starting 2012: April D through the (fat) ages (and beyond)

I’m back!  Told you I (was mostly certain I) would be! Anyway; I have been having an absolutely MARVELOUS end of 2011 and start to 2012.  Life is chugging along in a rather calm and peacefully blissful pattern that I hope to continue for as long as possible.  Here are just a few things that have been going on Chez D:

• 

  Adam D sporting the 13-foot-long Tom Baker Dr. Who Scarf

  Adam D and I just celebrated 5 years of married-ness this past December.

• I taught myself to Knit so I could make a Tom Baker Dr. Who scarf in time for our anniversary (I succeeded.  Barely in time though!  That thing is HUGE and it takes a LONG TIME to knit for someone who lives with you and is almost always home from work before you are!  It involved LOTS of being sneaky and knitting when I was sure I was going to get “caught” in the scarf-y act!)
• We visited my folks down in Virginia for Christmas and discovered that taking the train is about as “All Day” as driving or (when you account for all the hassle) taking a plane.  I, for one, enjoyed getting to get up and walk about whenever I wanted.
• Dance-wise I’ve been focusing lately on Tribal/Tribal-Fusion of late and have a few classes to look forward to in February to enhance my sword work!  Also have more performances lined up.  Woot!
• Been rather lax with the trumpet playing lately and focusing on dancing.  I hope to get a bit more playing done though and, even if I’m the only one down there, want to play during the second half of my lunch break more often as I used to do.
• After a really recharging break I’m back to posting and have lots of book reviews, tasty food ideas and general life-posty-ness to catch up on here!

To get to the point of this post though: I thought it might be nice, as I lounge on my last two remaining vacation days for this long and ever-needed holiday, to finally get up a time-line of April D in image form. It should be a fun re-start of the blog for 2012 after my incredibly restful break from blogging.

I’ve gone through many of my old photos recently to organize, purge duplicates and scan those which have no digital form.  There were, however, thoughts that KEPT giving me pause as I looked through images of my own past.  Thoughts I kept coming back to that boiled down to: what was I THINKING back then?  Why wasn’t I happy how I was?  Well, I think I USED to have a time when I was carefree and happy…but those days were quickly outnumbered by the Dieting Days…

I used to wear non-black pants! Look at that awesome pattern! You rock those odd colors young April D!

Look at that sass! What happened to that for so long?

Oh my god I REMEMBER wearing this outfit and thinking I looked awful and unsightly! I remember feeling constrained and sucking in my "gut" But I'm so CUTE here!

Camping in my Youth. Look at those skinned shins! I remember swimming, biking, running around... and being told I didn't exercise enough because I was obviously fat.

Middle School Trumpet: Prepping to do the Memorial Day Parade marching. Which, I obviously only sweated while doing because I was overweight, not because I was marching in a group of other sweaty pre-teens down a hot paved road on a blazing 90 degree day in dark pants while playing a trumpet.

Fruit and Boop: Also likely the first time I rocked a shorter hair style. I used to think I was FAT here?!

Ahhh High School Marching Band. The only indignity not yet evidenced here is the awful hat with the bedraggled canary bird "plume". Oh, and the horror of having to ask for the "plus size" pants to wear.

Dress shopping used to be a nightmare. Always in the "plus" sizes. But, look at that! Why was I always so discontent?! What should a freaking clothing tag's number matter!?!

I used to love those shorts. Remember the size. Remember dieting out of them and back into them and then beyond them forever. Why did I EVER give in to pressures saying I was always desperately in need of a diet????

Look at that incredibly Sassy Hair! What would I look like now if I had NEVER dieted?? If I had just left well-enough alone?!

Honestly, it was a pretty rough couple of nights as I sorted pictures.  I found I had to stop frequently to pick myself up both physically from the cross-legged position I held on the floor and from the rather mental-downer into which I was spiraling.

Happily, I have, with some time and thought, been able to find a calm bit of peace in looking back on these images.  Certainly there remains a tinge of bitter sorrow that I was so incredibly cruel to my own body (and let others be cruel at it “for my own good”) for so long. Likely there will also always be that occasional voice  I indulge for a moment, only now and then, to wonder just how things might have been if I’d been stronger and more self-certain and left myself (and my body) alone. For the larger part, though, I can look back and see the (fat) girl I was, struggling to reconcile the feelings of her own body with the nasty comments received from others and working to fit herself into a paradigm that, if we’re honest, has no place for women who aren’t already naturally thin, culturally beautiful, effortlessly correctly feminine, self-assured yet modest, submissively available yet not overly sexual; aka everything that no one can be all at once.  I can look back and know that these parts of my past have shaped the “me” of now.  I don’t have to have LIKED every moment but I can appreciate each link for the part it plays in who I proudly display now.

Who am I now? April D.  Fat, dancing, trumpet-blowing, husband-loving, nay-sayer-ignoring, life-living woman who has worked rather hard to show that I am a lot more than the sum of the numbers on my health chart.  Here is a rather lively number I just got to perform with a lovely local dance group this past December a Yule Hafla.  My resolution for 2012 (since I’m known to just not make them unless it is something I’m planning to do anyway?): continue being a loud and proud April D.  Fat, Visible and Refusing to Be Silenced.  Yip!

Giving the gift of kindness

I’m about to head off on a whirlwind awesome adventure of vacation, bit of travel, lots of reading and crafting and lots of friend/family seeing.  As I prep for that I thought I’d poke my hiatus with a refreshing end to the year of ranting….by showing a bit of kindness.  This: http://thequeso.com/the-gifts-we-give/  was a rather brief but entirely charming tale of one woman’s small act of kindness in a situation that filled her (and would have filled me) with rage and sadness which could have gone in an entirely different (and potentially disastrous) direction.  Go read it….I’ll wait…

Okay, so, a bit touching, right? The blogger turned around an eavesdropping moment (of a rather depressing conversation) and made it into a sweet moment that not only made HER feel better but maybe, just maybe, made a tiny positive difference in the lives of the mother/daughter she was kind to. That is powerful stuff to me.

I’m not saying that there aren’t moments that can become teachable moments.  However, for those times when proselytizing the wonders of not hating bodies (your own and others) and not judging fatness as wrong, intrinsically linked to eating “poorly” and loads of other heavy content; this sort of small kindness has the potential to make that sort of bit-by-bit of progress that I try to nudge out into this world with every post here.

So with the holiday cheer (and glumness) all around in this final week of the calendar year try to be kind.  Not just to others to whom you might want to simply rant.  Be kind to YOURSELF. Those constant self-hating (or others-judging) comments?  Stop them.  For the week.  For a day.  For a minute.  Just be kind and maybe gift yourself a bit of forgiveness.  For body hatred, for stressing (about clothing, about upcoming potential “fat talks” with friends or family, about how to deal in situations with lots of crazy hang-ups about food), for worrying about fitting into a culture that just wants you to hate yourself in order to Be New & Improved, for worrying THAT you’re obsessing about these things in a way that’s even worse than your original worry, for everything: forgive yourself, move on, be kind.

Happy Winter Season of Celebrating all sorts of magical End-Of-Year things! For those of us taking note (and in the Northern Hemisphere), we’re now firmly on the side of Days Getting Longer Again!  Now there’s something to be thankful for!

Also I’m very thankful for finding and making my own version of a recipe with tofu for the very first time!  Adam and I both loved it.  It’s entirely vegetarian (and only 1/4 cup of cream away from Vegan) soup with mushrooms, swiss chard, celery and tofu.  The original recipe called for chicken and was also tasty but this was a lovely alteration of  that!  I’m very glad I have some of this leftover for lunch because now I’m craving it!